We all felt Nana’s pain in episode 3. Now she tells us how GOD is holding and healing her.
Forgiveness, my father in the Lord told me, is like holding a bowl full of sand and scooping the sand out, one spoon at a time; it is a process and so is healing.
Enjoy your read.
She was having one of her black and white flashbacks again.
3 years into the past. The wound on her wrist had healed a long time ago. Now she only had a barely visible scar, but her heart was yet to heal also.
Nana was laying flat on the floor. Crying her eyes out. Prostrate in the presence of the Lord. Totally oblivious to everyone and everything that was going on around her. She was having en encounter; a healing encounter and very little did she know and did it matter that praise and worship session had ended almost 2 hours ago.
When she accepted Meryl’s invitation to go for that retreat, she had no idea what she was in for. Little did she know that the Lord was waiting for her on the other side of the borders of a country she had never been to.
– It’s fine. You were on one of your memory trips again, right ?
– Yeaaaah…I didn’t see you coming. Hi
– Hi. I know. Sometimes, it’s almost scary to see you do that. Your eyes look as if you’re so far you can’t be brought back. You have to teach me how you do that trick though. Being able to detach yourself from your surroundings like that . hahaa
My dear, I know and understand that God is still working out this awesome healing in you everyday. I know that the battle is not over and I also know that sharing all you have with me, is one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do but I have a question about our last chat. You know ? What you told me about how God miraculously saved your life when you tried ending it. You said something that struck me and I’ve not been able to forget it since. In fact, I don’t think I ever will.
What exactly did you mean by « hurting people hurt people »? I just want to make sure I understand, he said.
Yeah…well, it’s really as simple as you hear it: « hurting people hurt people », she replied.
You know ? Most of the people who hurt you out of anger, disappointment or whatever else, do it because they themselves, are first and foremost hurting; they are hurting within and the greater the pain, the more they will hurt the people around them and closest to them. Take the drowning man and the rescuer scenario for example. Now visualise. Can you see them? Okay, you are on the banks of that river. The waves are raging and the wind is blowing. Can you see how desperately they are trying to hold on to the one who came to rescue them and thereby almost drowning the both of them. You see? Their actual intention is not to drawn the rescuer but their survival instinct and the situation they find themselves in, pushes them to do what they do in that moment. The negative feelings are really just a shadow of what they are going through personally; it’s just the tip of the iceberg. And that is what God helped me to understand.
That was the therapy the Lord took time to take me through, so I’d finally reach healing, and I must say He is the best therapist ever. AND HE IS FREE ! You can have as many sessions as you wish. Lol, isn’t that awesome ?
It sure is! Abeiku exclaimed with a wide grin on his face.
Nana went on in a happy and excited tone. On the way to healing is forgiveness, self-acceptance, finding your self-esteem anew and learning to love yourself again. Not just love yourself but love yourself to another level: the way God loves you. Until you reach the point where you are now even able to offer comfort to the very person that used to hurt you, every time they need a shoulder to cry on.
Understanding that Mama did what she did and said what she said because she herself was prey to so much pain and anger really helped me a lot. Here’s another scenario.
Consider gossips and bullies; trust me, they are pretty much the same. People who take pleasure in belittling others. They do so not because all the ugly things they are uttering about you are true, but because the opposite is rather true! That is why they always go after people who hold themselves to high standards and expect a lot from themselves. They go after people who will not walk in anyone else’s shadow, who won’t validate you because you need to feed your insecurities. These are people who have dealt with the insults and attacks of this world and stood unfazed, people who walk in their own path and stand toe to toe with anyone. This attitude tends to make bullies feel nervous and uncomfortable. They see in you a picture of the person they wish they were and couldn’t be or don’t have the courage to be. So they feel like you being who you are is a loud and clear challenge to them; they feel like you are taunting them. To them, it is pretty much the same as you taking a megaphone and shouting: you are a looser who wishes you were like me but you never will. In their mind, they wonder : why should you be the one to be as wonderful a person as you are while they on the opposite, are unable to ?! I know. It sounds crazy but that’s the truth. They are not attacking you because you are the problem. But they are attacking you because they feel intimidated and threatened, and the only way of responding they found is bringing you down, because when they look at you, they feel down about themselves already. Why do you always have to look so good ? Why do you have to be the best? Why do you have to be so smart? Why do you have to be so strong, so disciplined, such a good kid, parent, lecturer, employee or student? In short: why can’t you just be a loser too, so everyone would feel better about themselves ? Why do you always have to pursue excellence and be at your best?
That is what they tell you when they accuse you of showing off. It’s a deep inner cry of : I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU. But since I’m not, I’ll make sure you feel bad like I do. Most often than not you’ll find out that their negative attitude is really just hidden admiration. And if you are tender and strong enough to hold your hand out to such people, you’ll be surprised to see them become your friends.
When GOD showed me this, it was such a relief. And I saw that it was true. When I looked at mama and all of the pain she faces daily in her home. All the regret, all the fears, all the fights, the abuse and tears, just because she made a wrong choice some years back, I no longer have the strength to hate her, detest her or stay angry with her. But I won’t lie to you. Some days are easier than others. And the ones I hate are the rollercoaster days. Those days you thought you did well by letting go and forgiving her and just before you know it, you are back at being angry and detesting her in your heart, ‘cos what she did next right after you managed to forgive her is worst than the last thing she had done. Awww….was all Abeiku could utter before she quickly continued.
But don’t worry, I won’t give up, ‘cos hatred is a burden too heavy to carry, so I chose love. I have all the reasons in the world to.
Hatred is a luxury too expensive for me; a luxury I cannot afford. There is just too much responsibility on my shoulders for that. How would I lift my hands and intercede; stand in the gap while hating someone in my heart? How would God hear me? How would I lift up my voice and sing praises while hating someone in my heart? How would I preach the good news to those whose hearts have been bruised and broken like mine while hating someone in my own heart ? How would I love while in my heart, I’m holding someone captive with the chain of hatred? How would I one day avoid turning into the very thing that has caused me all this pain while carrying hatred? And how on earth would I allow Jesus to win in the end, giving the devil a good whooping if I cherish hatred in my heart. lol. You see? How would I shame the devil and keep on being a destiny child?
So when mr hatred and all his homies, bitterness, anger, resentment, rage, knocked on the door — and oh how they knocked again and again — I let the Lord answer for me and up to now he still does, each time, every time 🙂
I know he’ll do the same for everyone who asks Him to, unless they don’t let him.
Healing is a process and it is possible if only you’d agree that forgiveness is too.
Abeiku was in awe one more time. What a cocktail: so much pain, love and wisdom hidden in one glass. How could God give such deep wisdom to one person ? In that moment, these Bible verses became more than reality to him : « *we do not live for ourselves alone… *God comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. … *you are living epistles from Christ »
Truly, Nana was one of God’s letters to the world. And the world was yet to read the best parts of this one.
Abeiku held her right hand and made her stand up and greet like they do after a drama presentation at the theater. He said in a loud voice : Hi, I’m Professor Nana and I was glad to share this lecture with you! 🙂 Nana laughed, crossed her legs and bowed to greet her invisible audience.
Bible passage references in their order:
*2 Cor 3:3
*2 Cor 1:3-4