This episode, I dedicate to every verbal abuse victim. To everyone, battling daily with rejection and low self-esteem but won’t give up. To every one fighting a battle no one knows about; battles that hurt so much because they originate from the very people you are supposed to be leaning on. I say you are the real champions, so hold on, pain ends: HOPE :)! JESUS loves you and so do I. *kisses and hugs*
THE SUICIDE ATTEMPT
« Hahaha…so you guys think you are talking to a proper human being, eh? I’m sorry to inform you that she isn’t one. Appearances can be deceptive. Don’t let her fool you ». Then the main gate banged. That was mum who just got back from work and met her chatting outside with those two cute guys who lived nearby. Nana’s head hanged low. How do you lift your eyes after something like this? Thank God these guys were smart enough not to engage her into a discussion on what just happened. They simply shortened the conversation and then said goodbye. The reason why she deserved what her mother just told her? 🙂 She was supposed to have been inside, sweeping the compound. Yes, that was the reason. Reason enough to dice her in front of strangers and throw her self-esteem into the dustbin at the same time.
« Can you stop banging on my gate? I need to get some sleep. Wherever you are coming from, just make sure you go back right away because trust me, you won’t like what I’ll do to you if I open this gate. » She heard her footsteps shuffling away. She didn’t even have the courage to beg her mum because she knew too well that it was pointless and useless when it came to this stony heart woman. Slowly, her rage gave way to sadness. So she quietly went to lie in front of their garage and prayed that the few hours she spent at Nenna’s end, watching TV and chatting until she forgot about going back home in time, won’t cost her her life. She prayed. It had been a long time she talked to God, but oh, how she prayed that night! And GOD heard her prayer and kept her until sunrise when she could finally get home after the help came to open the gate. It was 9 pm the previous night when she rang their bell, but for mum, that was late enough to have her sleep outside, on the floor, in the cold and totally exposed to danger.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! « Who is that ? »
« Mum! Mum please it’s me ». A pain filled and shaky voice said. The drugs for her ulcer had finished about a week earlier and she didn’t have the courage to ask mum for a new box ‘cos she had been fussy and angry all the time after arguing with dad every single day. Mum came out looking at her with her “why-did-you-wake-me-up face”. « Mum please, I’m in so much pain! I didn’t want to wake you up but I can’t hold it anymore. Can you please give me some money so I go get my drugs. Just give me the money, I’ll go for it myself », she pleaded with the woman who stood by and looked at her with an unconcerned face while hissing every second because her sleep had been perturbed. Nana quickly understood that she was on her own. So she dragged herself back to her room and for the second time in a very long while, she prayed again. She prayed earnestly, shedding tears and managing to say a few words despite the pain. In that moment. She didn’t know what hurt the most: her ulcer striken stomach or the unconcerned mother she thought she could go to for help.
She randomly looked into the purse laying near her bed. Inside was enough money to get a box of her drug and charter a taxi to and back from the pharmacy. She sobbed harder as she thanked God like never before in her life.
« Even animals give birth. Having children is nothing so extraordinary and so is the fact that I had you. If you died today, you and I are not going to be buried in the same tomb anyway. It’s not like they’d have to wait for me to bury you ».
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She felt as though something heavy, extremely heavy had knocked the back of her head. Mum’s words cut deeper than deep. Truly. Hurting people hurt people. And it hurts like hell. She felt dizzy and leaned on the bathroom door for support. Her vision became blurry, the tears were on their way. She sighed. Probably her heaviest sigh ever and made her way to her room.
Throughout the day, she could barely hear what the various teachers who came in to teach were saying. She was anywhere but in that class; her mind somewhere far away in despair and depression land. « Did I come out of this woman’s woumb? Surely, I must have been adopted or found somewhere. Maybe her life would actually be better if I didn’t exist, ‘cos surely if I didn’t breath, all of this would come to an end…» she tought to herself.
Back home. Bed time.
She held and looked at the little blue pills for an hour straight. She had heard her aunts and mum mention the name and the powerful effects of just one of those pills. They gave it to a cousin of hers who suffered from dementia when the illness was at such a pick that she became violent and wouldn’t sleep. So she got 10 of those. Surely this must work and help to put her to sleep forever. But she wouldn’t leave any space for doubt. She needed to be 100 % sure that this would work, so she added all the remainders of the plenty other drugs she had in her room. Most of those drugs, she had to take throughout her childhood because she had always been a sick child. Her room looked more like a pharmacy than a bedroom. She lifted her tear filled eyes, took a glass of water followed by the pills. She didn’t want to loose her soul in perdition like she was guessing she would if she took her own life, but wasn’t this life already hell to her? What more could there be anyway?
She lay on her bed, waiting for the grim reaper to come cover her and shut her eyelids. But when she woke up at 4 am, she realised he hadn’t come and she was actually still breathing. Even death didn’t want me, she thought. She sobbed quietly. But of course, as smart as she was, she had a plan B. She wasn’t going to give up so easily. Oh no! Just not yet.
She had a brand new blade she made sure she had purchased the previous day. You’ve guessed right, cutting her veins was plan B. And it’s crazy how you all of a sudden get numb and don’t feel anything when the devil is inciting you to do something that will please him greatly. She could hear the voices very clearly « Come on! you can do this. Don’t do this darling. I’m with you. Really? Do you see anybody here? Oh, come on! you know she wouldn’t even care if you’re gone. Jesus loves you babe. Come off it! What a joke! JUST DO IT! Nobody cares! It’s not as painful as the pain you’re feeling within…you can do this! »
As a matter of fact, only the first cut hurt. As she proceeded and went deeper, she felt nothing. Her hands got freaky and she was so focused on her task. She could almost see the whitish hard stuff below her skin. The blood started oozing… she fainted.
« When I woke up for the second time. There were many faces staring at me. Someone said : she is awake and many more people rushed in. I saw a lady in a white gown come in and the place had this familiar sickening smell. She asked everyone to vacate the room so I could rest. That’s when I realised where I was. She asked how I was feeling. I don’t know was my answer. She left the room and I turned to face the wall. In less than 5 minutes, my pillow was soaked and my eyes red. The only reason I made a pause was that my nostrils were beginning to get blocked, and I needed to breath. So, my plan hadn’t worked. I was still here…in this nightmare. How is that possible? God! Why at all was this Guy being so cruel and wouldn’t let me go? I could almost think that He was doing this on purpose. Then I heard mum crying and yelling in the corridor: this girl wants to kill me! How is this making me look? Unbelievable. One more time, she was making this all about herself, her image, what people would think and how she felt. How I felt ? well, that didn’t matter. I heard the doctor coming to calm her down along with the other family members who were present. “Madam, this is really a miracle! You should be thanking God instead of making a scene. Do you know how much blood your daughter lost before you found her and do you have any idea, the amount of drugs we found in her blood? Truly, it is God who saved her”, he said to her. ».
God…It was God again.
Abeiku Noticed how she was recounting all this with a smile on her face. He felt puzzled.
She was a rainbow and a sunray on her own. She was so vivacious, full of humour and vibrant with energy. She always laughed her heart out and made sure the people around her did too. I was figuring out that this sense of humour and the always smiling and laughing attitude — though it is true she got part of that through her parents; genes don’t lie — was a defense mechanism her brain had developed to help her sensitive self get through this otherwise unbearable life. She’d probably have lost her sanity by now if not.
How can one person go through that much pain and still manage to laugh and be joyful? Abeiku wondered. This can only be God! He taught to himself.
She caught him looking at her without saying a word and noticed his deep gaze. « What?! » she exclaimed with that motorway smile again.
« Nothing, my boss lady. Nothing » he replied, returning her smile and patting her back.
It was from such a deep abyss that the Lord pulled her. He must have pulled really hard for her to come out, ‘cos you could see that at some point, she came to accept and almost love that place.
« The devil thought he had me, but God, Oh my God…! » Abeiku joined his baritone voice to hers and they laughed. « Praise break » she said.
Another thing they loved doing together. Randomly singing praises, harmonising their voices and making up new songs unto their God. And Jehovah-Rapha is His name.
Surely, this was just the beginning of their album.
See ya ! 😉
If you see me with cracks, know that my God is certainly up to something exquisitely beautiful 🙂
*Jehovah-Rapha: The Lord who heals me